Its time for me to move on my friends. The time has come, for me to rip out all the pages of my past and start over, on a new, blank page. Because this story, has came to its end.
To the three D's - im done, and im so gone.

The circle of life

In my mind it all sounds so perfect. I have this fantasy of mine, where nothing is impossible and where problems are solved in a second. Nothing hurts, and what should hurt, passes by so quickly you wont even notice it. Those who like me, i keep them close, and those i hate, i keep even closer - and best part is, it works out. Im Superwomen, in this fantasy of mine...

But then, the cruel reality comes creeping up on me and reminds me, that nothing is easy and that every move you take, is a fight, to be able to take the next step. It never ends. And once you get one problem out of the way, the next one pops up like all those enoying pop-up windows when your visiting websites. I mean, it doesnt matter how many times you click Exit, theres always a new one, and usually, they bring viruses, just like problems can bring misery. God I hate facing reality...

I wish i was in love...

because the only time,

reality turns into fantasy,

is when i have butterflies,

tickling my belly.

And i wonder, what i am supposed to do, when my heart wants one thing, and my mind another. And what am i supposed to do, when all i desire isnt meant to be. How do you leave something, that you want more than anything? How am i supposed to say goodbye, to the one and only ive ever loved?

My mind, my body, my whole spirit is going crazy - from not knowing what to do. Hey, i need destiny to help me out a little bit. Show me the way, and the path to walk.
Because im clueless.

In less than a minute

Yesterday, i was convinced that i was going sit at home, for the rest of this depressing fall, and maybe, just maybe get a job by christmas time. I was convinced, that my future would be in Denmark - working, studying, doing everything. And never have ive been so sure about something before. I mean, its just been obvious, this whole time. Me and my stupid addiction to Copenhagen. Of course, thats the city i was to live in, get a family - a life in.

Of course....
Not.

When i woke up this morning, something hit me. And i dont know, what it was or why, but no matter what - it made me get up on my feet and do something about life. Yeah... I even took my Omega-3 this morning. Good job Kristin, good job.
Anyways, this girl, who have promised herself and everybody else, that she was not to be seen close to a college - has now, offically applied to College (and not in DK).
If i get in or not, ill know, by the end of next week. And i can proudly say, that there is nothing, i want as much as this. I want, to go back to school.

Never thought id hear myself say that...

But College is not the only thing, im seriously considering getting i job in Sweden instead of Denmark. And yes, i admit... ive been looking at apartments in Sweden too - and i fell in love with all of them.

My only consern about leaving my life in Copenhagen, is leaving Dan. Theres something about that boy, ill never get over. I think... they call it true love.

Hope is the last thing to leave the human body.
And yes, i admit, im still hoping. Hoping and wishing for you to change, to become the person i once knew - once again. Im still hoping for you and me, to become one, to be re-united. Because no one does it like us, no one.

But deep down inside i know, that it will never happen.
Deep down, i know, things will never be the same.
Deep down i know, ive lost you forever.

The love game, the only game that has no winner, is a game im finally starting to learn.
And its actually not that hard as it seemed to be a couple of months ago. After a few heartbreaks, ive learned how to play it.
I mean, all you really have to do, is to keep your emotions out of it. In that way, you can still look at everything from an objectiv perspective and as long as you do that, love wont make you blind. If it cant make you blind and stupid, it wont get very far with breaking your heart. Do you see what i mean? Because if you do that, keeping your feet on the ground, you'll see what your friends see. And all of a sudden, you'll be able to predict who the jerk is and who the real deal is.

So my plan, from now on, when it comes to love - is to take control of the feelings and make sure i dont fall until i know the person im falling for.
Sometimes, it will be hard, almost impossible. But hey, i'll always keep in mind, that nothing is ever impossible. From now on, ill be the girl, with the heart of stone. Unbreakable ;)

Here it goes, the different opptions i have. And maybe, writing them down, reading them, might help to decide which one, is meant for me.

1. Get a new job, fulltime, stay in Sweden, and eventually move out, into my own apartment as a single lady.

- Consequenses: there is no freakin excitement in this one. All planned out, sounding like a typical swede. Woho....

2. If i dont get a new job, i have to quit my job, stay at home until i get a new one, and be bored (because i wont have any money to spend)

- Consequenses: I wont have a life what so ever, and sooner or later loose all my friends, because i wont be able to hang out with any of them

3. Stick with the job i have today, go live in Denmark with the heartbreaker, start a new life within hustling, drugs and other illegal things.

- Consequenses: I might die from an O.D, plus the odds of having another heartbreak are way too high.

4. Quit my life. Move out to Lowell, Indiana, get married (to get a green card), get a job and become a fat soccer mom.

- Consequenses: I have to marry someone i dont even know. And being fat, have never been a goal of mine.

5. Pray for a miracle.

- Consequenses: Miracle never happens.

As the drama goes on and on...

And one week later, i feel like caos. Im feeling confused, and messed up and nothing, absolutely nothing feels right anymore.
First of all, im starting to learn, who my real friends are. And they are not, who i thought they were. Trust me on that one. And having my best friend across the ocean at these times, SUCKS. Even though, shes just a phone call away, shes still not here to help me get myself our of this on mess. Because trust me, my life is a mess, if not worse right now. My world has turned upside down.

Dan, did not make it easy on me this week. He have been the sweetest kid and i thought, he had me convinced to go back out with him - until last night.
Last night, Dans friend had a birthday party, and i was invited - so i went. Big mistake right there. The first face i see, is that whore who stole my love from me. On top of that, the first thing she sees, and the only thing, is him, Dan.
And i guess, you can guess the rest after that.

I dont know, whats best for me. I dont know, what i want. And i def dont know, what to do.

I'm back on track.

I guess, i could put the blame on the fact that ive been out there - doing stuff, instead of in here, writing about it. 

Today, my best friend leaves the country, and who knows when i'll see her again. Im not sad, im not upset, im not angry, im not dissapointed. All i really am is glad for the moments we got to spend together this summer. Moments, ill never forget. Moments, i never remembered. Moments, that will stay with me, until death.

But, to be honest, i dont know if ill make it in this big world by myself. Even though, ive made it before - i still feel like waking up in the morning, being all by myself, is something that would bring me down, in a second.

Good for me, theres phones to use. 

But having her leaving me is not the only problem im facing, after these three weeks of crazyness. Ive basically been a slut, living life, drinking a little bit too much. Ive went back to the person who almost got me killed from heartbreaking. And, ive lost not only one best friend, but two. 

On the other hand, looking on the bright side, ive gotten to know to many new people, i have lots of new buddies, maybe a new BFF and, i think.... i have a boyfriend. But shhhh, its still on the DL. I mean, i have the keys to his heart, and since yesterday, his apartment too. 

But im not official, not yet.