Its time for me to move on my friends. The time has come, for me to rip out all the pages of my past and start over, on a new, blank page. Because this story, has came to its end.
To the three D's - im done, and im so gone.

The circle of life

In my mind it all sounds so perfect. I have this fantasy of mine, where nothing is impossible and where problems are solved in a second. Nothing hurts, and what should hurt, passes by so quickly you wont even notice it. Those who like me, i keep them close, and those i hate, i keep even closer - and best part is, it works out. Im Superwomen, in this fantasy of mine...

But then, the cruel reality comes creeping up on me and reminds me, that nothing is easy and that every move you take, is a fight, to be able to take the next step. It never ends. And once you get one problem out of the way, the next one pops up like all those enoying pop-up windows when your visiting websites. I mean, it doesnt matter how many times you click Exit, theres always a new one, and usually, they bring viruses, just like problems can bring misery. God I hate facing reality...

I wish i was in love...

because the only time,

reality turns into fantasy,

is when i have butterflies,

tickling my belly.

And i wonder, what i am supposed to do, when my heart wants one thing, and my mind another. And what am i supposed to do, when all i desire isnt meant to be. How do you leave something, that you want more than anything? How am i supposed to say goodbye, to the one and only ive ever loved?

My mind, my body, my whole spirit is going crazy - from not knowing what to do. Hey, i need destiny to help me out a little bit. Show me the way, and the path to walk.
Because im clueless.

In less than a minute

Yesterday, i was convinced that i was going sit at home, for the rest of this depressing fall, and maybe, just maybe get a job by christmas time. I was convinced, that my future would be in Denmark - working, studying, doing everything. And never have ive been so sure about something before. I mean, its just been obvious, this whole time. Me and my stupid addiction to Copenhagen. Of course, thats the city i was to live in, get a family - a life in.

Of course....
Not.

When i woke up this morning, something hit me. And i dont know, what it was or why, but no matter what - it made me get up on my feet and do something about life. Yeah... I even took my Omega-3 this morning. Good job Kristin, good job.
Anyways, this girl, who have promised herself and everybody else, that she was not to be seen close to a college - has now, offically applied to College (and not in DK).
If i get in or not, ill know, by the end of next week. And i can proudly say, that there is nothing, i want as much as this. I want, to go back to school.

Never thought id hear myself say that...

But College is not the only thing, im seriously considering getting i job in Sweden instead of Denmark. And yes, i admit... ive been looking at apartments in Sweden too - and i fell in love with all of them.

My only consern about leaving my life in Copenhagen, is leaving Dan. Theres something about that boy, ill never get over. I think... they call it true love.

Hope is the last thing to leave the human body.
And yes, i admit, im still hoping. Hoping and wishing for you to change, to become the person i once knew - once again. Im still hoping for you and me, to become one, to be re-united. Because no one does it like us, no one.

But deep down inside i know, that it will never happen.
Deep down, i know, things will never be the same.
Deep down i know, ive lost you forever.

The love game, the only game that has no winner, is a game im finally starting to learn.
And its actually not that hard as it seemed to be a couple of months ago. After a few heartbreaks, ive learned how to play it.
I mean, all you really have to do, is to keep your emotions out of it. In that way, you can still look at everything from an objectiv perspective and as long as you do that, love wont make you blind. If it cant make you blind and stupid, it wont get very far with breaking your heart. Do you see what i mean? Because if you do that, keeping your feet on the ground, you'll see what your friends see. And all of a sudden, you'll be able to predict who the jerk is and who the real deal is.

So my plan, from now on, when it comes to love - is to take control of the feelings and make sure i dont fall until i know the person im falling for.
Sometimes, it will be hard, almost impossible. But hey, i'll always keep in mind, that nothing is ever impossible. From now on, ill be the girl, with the heart of stone. Unbreakable ;)

Here it goes, the different opptions i have. And maybe, writing them down, reading them, might help to decide which one, is meant for me.

1. Get a new job, fulltime, stay in Sweden, and eventually move out, into my own apartment as a single lady.

- Consequenses: there is no freakin excitement in this one. All planned out, sounding like a typical swede. Woho....

2. If i dont get a new job, i have to quit my job, stay at home until i get a new one, and be bored (because i wont have any money to spend)

- Consequenses: I wont have a life what so ever, and sooner or later loose all my friends, because i wont be able to hang out with any of them

3. Stick with the job i have today, go live in Denmark with the heartbreaker, start a new life within hustling, drugs and other illegal things.

- Consequenses: I might die from an O.D, plus the odds of having another heartbreak are way too high.

4. Quit my life. Move out to Lowell, Indiana, get married (to get a green card), get a job and become a fat soccer mom.

- Consequenses: I have to marry someone i dont even know. And being fat, have never been a goal of mine.

5. Pray for a miracle.

- Consequenses: Miracle never happens.

As the drama goes on and on...

And one week later, i feel like caos. Im feeling confused, and messed up and nothing, absolutely nothing feels right anymore.
First of all, im starting to learn, who my real friends are. And they are not, who i thought they were. Trust me on that one. And having my best friend across the ocean at these times, SUCKS. Even though, shes just a phone call away, shes still not here to help me get myself our of this on mess. Because trust me, my life is a mess, if not worse right now. My world has turned upside down.

Dan, did not make it easy on me this week. He have been the sweetest kid and i thought, he had me convinced to go back out with him - until last night.
Last night, Dans friend had a birthday party, and i was invited - so i went. Big mistake right there. The first face i see, is that whore who stole my love from me. On top of that, the first thing she sees, and the only thing, is him, Dan.
And i guess, you can guess the rest after that.

I dont know, whats best for me. I dont know, what i want. And i def dont know, what to do.

I'm back on track.

I guess, i could put the blame on the fact that ive been out there - doing stuff, instead of in here, writing about it. 

Today, my best friend leaves the country, and who knows when i'll see her again. Im not sad, im not upset, im not angry, im not dissapointed. All i really am is glad for the moments we got to spend together this summer. Moments, ill never forget. Moments, i never remembered. Moments, that will stay with me, until death.

But, to be honest, i dont know if ill make it in this big world by myself. Even though, ive made it before - i still feel like waking up in the morning, being all by myself, is something that would bring me down, in a second.

Good for me, theres phones to use. 

But having her leaving me is not the only problem im facing, after these three weeks of crazyness. Ive basically been a slut, living life, drinking a little bit too much. Ive went back to the person who almost got me killed from heartbreaking. And, ive lost not only one best friend, but two. 

On the other hand, looking on the bright side, ive gotten to know to many new people, i have lots of new buddies, maybe a new BFF and, i think.... i have a boyfriend. But shhhh, its still on the DL. I mean, i have the keys to his heart, and since yesterday, his apartment too. 

But im not official, not yet.

Day 2

Char arrived last night, and god, we've already done so much crap, its not even funny. Its 5 am right now, and i was just going to bed when i thought of you guys. I should be writing this stuff down, because me and char, always end up doing crazy, stupid stuff.

First of all, when she arrived, at 2 pm yesterday, we went to buy our first drink. Especially, since shes used to the laws in america, you know... 21 thing. And i guess we didnt get enough to drink at the airport, so when we got to my place, the first thing we did, was driving the car, downtown, to get another one, at a bar. And it was fucking monday night...

Today, we actually chilled with a coffee downtown, walked around, looked at some clothes and stuff, to later on go home and get ready. Now, this is were the fun part starts.
We took a couple of drinks, of my brand new bottle of vodka. We went to our friends house, and the bottle was empty by the time we left. And lets not forget, we smoked hookah too. Yes, i do have my very own hookah now, which, i also bought today.
After the pre-party, our plans was to go to a club, but we somehow, ended up in the middle of no-where, at the beach.
And you know those drinks, the sex on the beach, well, now i can proudly say, ive really tried it, and im not talking about the drink.
Char almost got down and dirty too. But, the only problem was, her date has a girlfriend, and he wants to be faithful to her. Totally cool, char will find somebody else.
On our way back, we ended up in a fight. Me and char, we were watching, while the guys were hitting. Kind of exciting.

So, ive got one more juicy detail for you guys. i drank, and i did not get home by bus...

And I just cant wait, for the next 22 days to come <3

Kind of wanna rip my head of

So ive had bad luck when it comes to love before, but that cant mean theres no good guys out there. I know, there is a prince, on a white horse, with a GPS with my address on it.
The question is, if ill ever learn to trust that one.

Thank you Dan. Thank you very much. You totally fucked me up. You had my trusting you, like ive never been hurt before. You had me doing things, like ive never been afraid. I gave you my all, to find you giving me nothing back.

So now, here i am. Believing all guys, will be just like you.
Believing, they will let me down, leave me for another dirty whore.
You fuckhead. Seriously.

And i keep on telling myself,
my prince,
wont treat me like the others did.
Because he will care, about me,
and ill be his princess.

But what if, my prince,
tells me the same lies?
They might not be lies,
but how would i know,
when my experience,
tells me,
they are.

Oh god. I just need to shut up and stop thinking.

In need for another one

I could refer the headline, to so many things right now. Like, another vacation, another drink... another sandwish or, another man.

Sunny beach, was as perfect as it could be. Cheap, sunny, hot and great parties with great people. So cheers to the pearl in Bulgaria. And i def just want to go back. Because whats here? Hm. Nothing. Ive got nothing.

Last night, it was IN on schedule, and some Vincent, drinks, and a big slap for You - well, nothing went as planned. Of course, because thats always how it is when it comes down to me, timing and luck.

But i have to admit, I might be falling for another ass again. God damn it.

Im leaving.

For a better place.

Without you.

Sunny Beach - 09

Not the regular kind, please.

Thank god, theres people out there, to look after me, when im on the edge of falling apart.
Without them, only god knows where id be right now.

After trying very hard, to find a place to crash, to find somewhere to forget my regrets and live for today i gave up. Me, the party person - gave up partying. Hello? Whats up with that. But in a way, im glad i did. Because right now, im tired, im not in a party mood and just the thought of going home, in the ice cold weather kills me. So yes, in a way im thankful for the ones who said no to copenhagen and the ones who said yes to Mc'Ds and a visit from me.

What i do wish, i was doing though - is sitting there, in your bed, next to you, watching Scrubs, talking about life. What i do wish, is that i still had you by my side, with no problems and nothing that mattered - but us.

But we all need to remember, dreams doesnt come true, and they are not meant to come true. Good thing there. Because if i actually, still had you - id have hell waiting for me around the corner, which ive already passed.

Wheres the nearest gun at?

Thursday hot babe.

Im thinking, colorful dress, with sexy black shoes and long blonde hair. Im thinking make-up done by a pro, nails colored in french, and earings to match.

Im thinking wow.

Im preparing for the military-thing on thursday. And since ill be one of the few girls there, i might not have to look like a million dollars baby, but hey - you guys know me. Still gotta show off the best ive got. Especially, since he will be there. And especially, since its the last time he sees me, before he leaves for spain.

Ill make sure, he has nobody but me in his head for the rest of his trip.

And when it comes down to the asswhole across the ocean,

yeah, Ill make you pay. You broke my heart, and you dont get that for free god damn it.

Talking, is all we need.

There are two types of guys out there, the ones who uses girls, and the ones who actaully care.
Lucky me, i found the number two. Finally.
Even though, its not helping very much, hes leaving for spain next friday. Its not helping, hes in the military this week.
Well, i guess its my bad luck that strikes again.

Good thing, im used to it. Good thing, i wasnt expecting anything else.

But im glad, that ive found someone, who actually will listen to me, who actually wants my opinions and who doesnt care about anything else but putting a smile on my face.

And i think, i was in heaven, for a night.

I hope im falling again, and i hope he'll catch me, and never let me go.

I dont understand how he still can have the control to hurt me, to make me upset and make me cry. I dont understand, how i can let him do these thing, get away with it and make me believe im worth shit.

I cant wait until tomorrow.

Because tomorrow, ill be concentrating on my new flirt. It will be all about him, and my thoughts will be long gone away from Dan.

Oh <3

And what will the future bring, i wonder.

Last day, ever. No more, do i have to go back to that place, called school. No more, do i need to stay home because of homework. And no more, do i have to fight with teachers about unfair grades.

So, suck it.

The question is, what to do now. When schools out, and theres no such thing as going back, and when working seems overrated and college even more - theres not much left for someone like me, to waste their time with.

Maybe, should i become that world famous DJ ive always dreamt about being, or a bartender to impress the guys. Or maybe i should just get a hobby, like scrapbooking, or play guitar.
All these options, none of them being very appealing.

I think, the right thing do, right now, is to sit here - enjoy my freedom. Because ill have the rest of my life in front of me - filled with 9-5 jobs.

Good night.

Last night, i dreamt, for the first time since i broke up with Dan, about somebody else.

Long story short.

The week we'll never forget <3

Graduation baby. No school for me, never ever again. Its bad ass, and im crazy excited about it. Ive been trying to party, as much as i can, just to enjoy these days as a nobody.
Last night, was the best night though. Maybe, we didnt have the time of our lives, but i accomplished the things i needed to.
I kissed the first guy, since Dan.
And then, i kissed another guy....
and the third kiss, im saving to someone special. Because, you know what they say about the third time, right?

I was drunk. And i blamed everything on my hair.
Blondes, they do have more fun.
Blondes, can bget who ever they want.
So ive noticed.

But yes, i also have to admit,
that in between all this happiness,
theres a broken heart,
which still havent healed.

<3

Ive deleted his number, so i wont call.
Ive ended our friendship on facebook,
And ive blocked him from msn.

Good job me!

And in a heartbeat, everything can change. From bettter to worse, or from worse to better.
This time, im pretty sure, im going with the wind, instead of against it.
Today i got a call from my boss, and yes, he might have a job for me, at the marketing department of Magasin Du Nord. Thats just way out of my league, and if i can get it - then nothing is impossible anymore.
So, to celebrate this, me and my best friend went out to get our nails done. And now, im as pretty as i can be! Or no, wait... Tomorrow, after two, im as amazing as i can be.
Im getting my hair done, and yes, the bitch is back. You know, long nails, blonde, shiny hair and lots of attitude. Well, at least, thats what i need if im gonna beat those whores up who took the best part of my life away from me.

Another thing,
tomorrow, im hanging out with the X. The forbidden letter.
But i miss him too much to be able to be strong enough to say no.
I need him, to survive. For motivation.

I need him, so bad you guys.
So bad...

Today i had my chance, to drink the pain away. And i took it. And i got fucking wasted, and to be quite honest - i dont really remember that much of the day. Hm.

But i do know, we played pirates in the forest, ran around naked and sang about graduation. Lucky me, theres always pictures to help the memories fall into place.

But god, it upsets me, that i cant think, write or do anything without him on my mind. Im simply obsessed with him and the fact i no longer can call him mine. Im sad, im frustraded and im completely head over heals in love with the guy who broke my heart. And i wonder, how it can be, that no matter how much someone hurts you - you still can take them back, just because you simply love them.
It pisses me off. I just want to forget, move on and find someone who actually loves me back. I want to be someones prinsess, someones baby boo, who they can call in the middle of the night because they miss me. I want to be that girl, that special someone. That girl, you cant replace. That girl, you choose to marry.

I miss being loved.
I really do...

So if we get the big jobs

And we make the big money

When we look back now

Will our jokes still be funny?

Will we still remember everything we learned in school?

Still be trying to break every single rule

Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?

Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?

I keep, keep thinking that it's not goodbye

Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

And this is how it feels...

It's over. He's gone. And so am I.

But guess who's back?
The fucking party prinsess, with all her crazy party like a rockstar nights. Welcome her back.

Theres one thing, we all need to remember, when we loose the one we love.
"If I could be so head over heals, over something so wrong, I cant wait, to feel what i will feel the day I find whats right".

Even though, it feels better to think about that, everything still hurts. I kind of feel like buying a gun and shoot myself in the head with it to stop this pain. I dont wanna play this game anymore. I dont wanna play, when i keep on losing. Its no fun, when the number one spot, goes to someone else.

Well, as you prob. have notice, there is something wrong. And yes, i believe its over. My 4 months of love and hate with a person i cant get out of my head. I think, i'll be picking up my stuff tomorrow - to then cry until graduation.

Yes. That sounds like a plan. A good one. Doesnt it?

I wonder, how to get my man around my finger. Because i hate, being around his.
Tomorrow, will be another day, with pain, fights and tears. I just dont know what to do or what to say anymore, because no matter what - he wont listen.
Tomorrow, he'll be with the one i fear the most. His lost love.

Why cant it be, just like before?
When he respected me, when i listen and when he would do anything for me.
Why cant he go back, being that boy, i once fell in love with.

I dont know, how much longer i can stand being put to side, because of another girl.
And the thought, of her touching him, the way only i do - kills the very last part of my heart.

Maybe one day, ill have the guts to leave his side,
or maybe one day, he'll be a man enough, to realize, what hes doing is wrong.

And one explanation later

I didnt have much time, neither did i not have much energy, to explain what i wrote last night.
But today, i think ive pulled myself together and i think im ready to put words into a happening.

Me and my boyfriend, are doing very good. I just wished, that sometimes, he would stop thinking about his drug-shit and start thinking about his girlfriend instead.
Two days ago, he asked me, if i wanted to move in with him. But how am i supposed to live, the life hes living, everyday? How am i supposed to be able to take, being 100 miles away from my friends. The answer, i cant come up with.

And what about his other bullshit? Later on today, hes sending me back home, so that he can hang out with his friend - his female friend. And i guess, it would be fine, if she wouldnt have told him, that she wanted him - loud, so i could hear it. Its pissing me off, that i cant say no, even though i want to, so bad.
But if we do move in together, theres nothing, hanging out with female friends without me. Thats for sure.

Maybe i should just come up with an excuse to stay, just so that i could beat the chick so hard so that she would learn, to not touch my man.

Plus, we've got all the other bullshit going on. I really do feel, like everytime i raise my voice, all the ears around closes down.

And im so sick of living in all this bullshit crap.
I wont take no more.

Ive got no words left.

Im confused, messed up,
and i swear - im soon giving up.
I just cant take this bullshit anymore.

Im sick, of always being the last choice, the last voice to be heard and the last one to see...

Can you believe it?! I cant. Its less than 28 days left guys, and then im out. Im a free person, in a free country - free to do whatever i want.

Zip it, aight?

Why cant i just SHUT UP and stop saying things that will only mess it up. Its so typical me, writing, speaking, without thinking. And woops, there it went, the words that werent supposed to get out. That i never really meant, that i hadnt given that much thought as i should have.
This weird behavior of mine, appears when i answer texts, speak on the phone or whenever im nervous.

But shit happens right?

And i guess, i need to learn how to accept myself,
so that others can learn to accept it too.

Because seriously, god, my mouth have caused trouble.
Maybe thats why i usually keep it shut whenever im around too many people?
Idk.

Once again, im wondering, and questioning, thinking and not trusting

I cant help to wonder, why he keeps on deleting all the proofs.
The only thing, that makes sense, is if hes hiding something. But why would he be hiding anything, and what is it hes hiding?
Cheating? Is that is? Am i there once again, letting my heart get crushed under the feet of another heartless boy?
If thats the case, Im out.

I just hope, its not. Because i dont want to end this already, im in love, like never before. And ask anyone in my surrounding, im happy.
I am actually, happy.

Turning around

Some people, would probably say ive totally lost my mind, gone crazy and need to get back on track. But hey, what if, im just going through one of those phases, becoming who i really am.

For years, ive been trying to be someone everybody else can love, and can be proud of. Ive spend every second of my life, making sure, im not doing anything to hurt anybody else, making sure, im doing whats right and not wrong.
Well, lately, ive started to realize, it wont make me happy though. I need to start thinking about myself, about what i want and about what makes me motivated. Because that is one thing for sure, im lacking right now - motivation. Dont have it, and its nowhere to be found.

So, how about, me turning into the rebel that ive always wanted to be. How about me, letting the person inside of me out, into the world, the person - who in most cases, would be bad in everyones eyes but my own. Would it make me happier? I think it would.

But it will put my future in danger, because if i would do exactly what i wanted, being the person, i really want to be - then skipping school would be my favorite subject.

And hey, only 46 days left <3

Just a thought about love

Lets switch sides, lets turn the game upside down and let me be the one leading the game you once created. I think, that would be an awesome thing to do.

Ive questioned, the need for love so many times. And i dont think i can even count on my fingers, how many times ive told everyone im gonna become a nune. But just like smoking, love is a hard habit to break.
After being with my boyfriend for a while now, ive realized, theres alot of cute, romantic and memorable moments, worth fighting for. But what about, all those times, you get disappointed at each other, get mad, jealous, and god knows what else. All the times you feel hurt, broken, sad. Are those moments, really worth, all the good moments?

A question, im not sure i wanna know the answer of.

Seriously though, i miss being single, because then - no one was ever controling me, i could do whatever whenever. I could flirt and have fun, and i was the one deciding when i had enough of one guy, to then move on to the next. No feelings involved, ever, and life was just great. Feeling lonely, was included, but still, you felt lonely in a good way.
Now, whenever im lonely, i miss my boyfriend and when i miss him, my mood goes down a couple of levels. Is that really the way we all live?

Right now, id say, fuck feelings, fuck being in love,
fuck getting hurt -
cheers to independence.

Xstatic was pretty motherfucking exciting,
but even better,
was that me and my boy,
had the best time ever.

Our 3 months, have been the best three months of my life.
And im still, so in love, thinking about him everyday,
dreaming about him everynight.

Oh, how happy i am right now <3

Its been a long day, but a good one though.

I havent really realized how jealous i could be. Or how mad i could get, over nothing.
Neither did i know, my instincs could be wrong.
Now, i just need to take control of this new me, because if i dont, i might not only lose myself, but i might lose the most precious thing i have.
The boy <3

But how do i learn to trust,
someone who cheats in every game he plays?

This one goes out, to all the parts of my heart

I dont know, what i would have done without you guys.
Whenever im down, you have a way to lift me up.

And just like old love never dies,
neither does old friendship <3

I wish words could describe,
what my best friends,
means to me.

great weather and weird thoughts

Its spring break and god its shows on the weather.
Im loving every second of it, and i feel so in love. Not so much with my boyfriend, but more, with spring. And i guess, this great feeling inside of me, makes me do crazy things.

Last night, i sat in my car, on my way home from sofia. And all of a sudden, i got this crazy idea. To take the car, over the ocean, to my boyfriends house. Now, keep in mind, ive never driven a car in denmark, neither have i went by car to my boyfriends house, and it was 11 p.m.
But crazy me, drove past the last exit in sweden, over the bridge (which was the most amazing view ever), out on the roads, trying to find home.

It took 35 minutes.

And what a rush!

I think, the party-princess is back

In less, than 30 school days, ill be running around, with my white hat singing about graduation. Ill be drunk as hell, and ill be enjoying life to its fullest.
Oh, i just cant wait!

Another thing i just cant wait for, is friday. On friday, im going out with my girlfriend - the one and only, IDA! We're gonna rock it until we drop it. Ill be partying like im single again. So watch out.

The friday after, which means, in a week and two days, its Xstatic baby. With my glowing eyes and amazing hair, ill be stamping my feet to a techno beat.

<3<3<3

Skatteboo <3

Im yours

Thinking happy thoughts along the road for once. Applause

Tomorrow morning, 8.00 a.m, is a historical moment in my life. Im writing my last, my very, very last real exam (i do have danish left, but i dont count that, since danish is what, a joke?).
Ill be sitting there for five hours, fighting for the grade i deserve, knowing, ill never have to do it ever again.
And hey, for the first time, im looking on the bright side of an exam. Wow.

Seriously, ive been very happy lately, and im glad that my life is taking another u-turn. And after watching that extremely anti-pessemistic program on tv today, ive decided to keep on looking on the bright side. Apperently, those who do, lives 4 years longer. Hell yeah.

Being this excited about life, i think im gonna try to quit the one habit, and desire i hate the most - smoking. And yes, its probably bulltalk, and ill probably change my mind tomorrow morning, but still. At least, ive reach that stage, considering stopping.

Plus, to keep on going with the great news, me and my boyfriend are doing really good.
One more week, and our 3 months celebration comes up. Oh, Xstatic <3

Our relationship is like a rollercoaster that goes up and down. Except it tickles when it goes up, and the downfall basically sucks.

From happy- to totally depressed.

Where did i go wrong?

Im giving my all, im doing my best. I just feel like im getting nothing back. And i hate that feeling, i really do.
I am a giving person, which is a good thing. Whats not so good, is that i never ask for anything back in return. And in some cases, that means - i get nothing back in return. It sucks, especially, when its the person you love the most, who just seems to take but never give.
I might not ask, but that doesnt mean, im not human. I still need, some confirmation.

Tomorrow night, was supposed to be chilled out night, with popcorn, a movie and lots of love. But no, thats not the case anymore.
Instead, ill be sitting alone with my popcorn and my movie, without any love.

Two hours ago, i couldnt wait for tomrrow to come.
Now, i cant wait, for tomorrow to end.

Oh baby, i wish you thought a little bit more about us, and a little less of you.

Yummy, sugar at its best

Now, i did it again. Its like the most stupid addiction ever, and i just cant stop! Im talking about eating.
Coming home from school, being kind of exhausted, i sat down and woops - in front of me there was this candy bag, and just couldnt handle myself. I had to take one bite. And one bite, is not enought. So i had another one, and another one and... then the bag was empty.
A couple of sandwiches later, i fell alseep on the couch watching the tyra banks show. They were talking sex and i missed it!

Ive slept for three hours, on a full stomach, waking up - strongly regreting eating that stupid sugartrigger.

I fucking hate sugar.
God!

Why do i always say one thing and mean another?
Ive always been told, im too nice. And i guess, thats true. I just cant express my opinions unless their kind.
I can be mad at someone, and i can promise you - that person will never find out.
I might want to stay home for a saturday night, but i can promise you - ill go out anyways.

When the boyfriend asks me something, he never gets the truth. Ill just say, whatever makes him happy.

And i know, this is not good for me.
And def not for anybody else neither.

I would never question my friends. Never. Ive always taken their word.
But last night, i was just hoping they were wrong. I was sitting there, hoping, that no, this time, they were wrong, for real. I was telling my self, that seriously, no, they just couldnt be right.

But no, i dont think im in doubt anymore.
I cant deny the truth.
I believe they were right all along. And now, theres only one thing to do.

Confront, and play the same game as him. Because if i do, maybe ill save my self, from getting even more hurt than i am right now.

And for once, ill admit,
im actually sad.

God bless friday

I am considered to be done with my project, that needs to be handed in tomorrow morning at 10.30. Wow, i never thought id ever get done with it. Not that im very proud of it, but still.
This doesnt mean i can go to bed though, because i have promised to stay up and wait for my friend in america to get of work - so that i can call her - so that she can talk to me.
Im such a good friend.

Even though, i must admit, im pretty tired already and i have two hours left.
Hm, i wonder if ill make it.

Anyways, tomorrow im going out with the girls (omg! It was such a long time ago!) and my boy, well, i dont really care what hes doin. Im gonna get down at least.

Ive got no work, no plans, just partying. It was a long time ago it was like this. Wow.

Too much energy equals too much bulltalk.

Seriously, I'm pulling an all-nighter tonight. Thats what happens, when teachers put too much pressure on the students.
So dont count on my head being clear tomorrow, thats for sure. But with one class, i think ill be just fine. Correct? Yes.

And btw, against all odds - me and my boyfriend are still hanging in there, doing just fine.
Even though, this morning i felt like shooting the kid in the head.
You know, when you wake up really early, and just cant fall back a sleep? Well, thats how it was this morning. My boyfriend woke up, because i was making noises (?). A little bit irritated, but still not mad, he got up because he realized, he had to go to school early anyways. He got ready, and was just about to walk out the door - with me wide awake when he decided he was too tired to go to school.
So i asked him nicely, please, could you stay awake for me, im leaving soon anyways - its just so boring just sitting here. 2 seconds later, guess who fell asleep? Well, it wasnt me.

Not even my goodbye kiss woke him up... He fucking always sleeps! GOD it kills me.

But, its just another issue to put behind, forget - and then remember, why you love him instead. Because oh, how i love him.

You tell me, whos your sugar daddy

And i have a new computer. Its super nice, and i bet youd be jealous if you saw it. I would, if i would be you.

The greatest thing, is that its my gift to myself, and no one else have helped me pay for it. Its all money, straight from my pay check. So yes, now im officially poor.

Guys, im sorry. My brain is turned off today. Its not working as it should and it needs sleep.
And im not going to make it more painful than it already is.
Im just going to stop writing,

now.

One night in Mars.

In a couple of minutes, my baby will be here. We're going to have an all-nighter, doing our hair, talking gossip and discussing my issues with the boy. I'm soon going to leave, to get some snacks and pop for tonight as well. 

See, i do have a completely normal life. 

Even though, what i should be doing, is writing my speech for thursday. Its the BIG test, and i need to be prepared. Its not one of those things you can just blow off. I have to do it. And i will. Just not tonight, and probably not tomorrow night either. Wednesday i'm working and then my working buddies and i are getting a cup of coffee downtown, Copenhagen. 

I guess that speech, will be written, at some point of time in the middle of the night. Turning out being horrible, and ill blow the grade as i always do. 

But hey, ill survive. Right?

And so much has happened

It's hard to even begin. I don't know what to say, or how to explain it. Words, its just not enough. Maybe pictures would say more. Maybe not even that, would have you understanding, whats going on in my life right now.

I dont see it as anything bad, as im unlucky, i see it as another experience. And i think, this experience could help me on different levels. I just need to put an stop line out there, so i know when im finished - done. 

I graduate in 85 days. In 85 days, im free. I get to do, whatever i want to do. I can move away, far away. I can get a full time job somewhere, i could study... I can move in with my boyfriend - living the life of an gangster in Copenhagen. 

That last one, is probably the worst one. But i also think, its the one that would make me happiest. 

But what do i know. Nothing, absolutely nothing. 

I'm not going to worry about the future, i'll leave that up to destiny - while im living my life to fullest. 

The past week my internet have been out, and i haven't been able to update my blog. That sucks, big time. 

Friday night was just wow. Being back to IN, dancing, getting those adrenaline rushes, only IN can give you. Oh my God. How could i ever say, i would never go back to that club? Well, whatever i said, im taking it back. Because IN, is still as amazing as always.

And i am as stressed as always, so i have to go. Ill hit you guys up later.

And heres my excuse, to not do my homework tonight.

Its strange how things change, in just a second. Its somewhat amazing, to have that power make a difference, every second, every minute and hour of the day. Choices. We make choices, that could change a whole life. Änd im very glad that today, wont tell me about tomorrow. Im very glad, that the choices that i get now, doesnt seem so serious as they might will, after i have made them.

I regret nothing. Because i always do what i want to. And when i look back, i see mistakes, but at least i get to think, at that moment, that was what made me happy.
I dont want to be smart, life is too short for thinking, its too short for planning a future that might not even come. And its just long enough, for you to do what your heart tells you to.

Thats why, you might not always understand me. And thats why they call me lazy, stupid and God knows what. But hey, who is really the one being stupid? Looking out of my window, its not me.

And if we die now - i die happy. Will you?

Only for you, but for everybody to see

The difference between you and all the others, 

is that when i fell, you were the one who stood at the bottom with your arms ready to catch me,

and while many passed, you were the one to leave footprints on my heart.

I love the way i cant control myself around you,

and how no drugs gets me high the way your love does.

Theres nothing like you, nothing like what we have,

and thats what makes you special,

you bring out the best, and not many can manage to do that with me.

All reasons to why i chose you, 

where the strongest one is,

that i can proudly say that i love you,

and that you,

you love me back.

Drop the pounds and a couple of years too

Theres a new way to loose weight. Maybe not new for the world, but new for me. Its not the healthiest way and probably not the best either. But it works, and it works fast. A couple of days and you already look slimmer. 

And i wish i didnt know about it.

If i die today, i want to be remembered tomorrow.

What if i walk to soft, for my footprints to stick, to be found another day? What if i clean up, a little bit to much after my mess, so theres nothing left of me? And what if, i never talked highly enough to be heard, or dressed to crazy to be seen? Then, i'll be forgotten in a second. 

So, today i'll be stamping my feet into the ground and i just wont put my dirty plates in the dishwasher - neither will i throw my empty gum raps in a trash can instead of the ground. I'll be screaming so you'll hear me, across the ocean and outfitted in a neon, glowing dress. Because i wont take being forgotten. 

If i die,

they're gonna remember me. 

Its time for the big spring- cleaning day.

A new fresh start, is something me and my body would need. Another make-over, to make things good again. Because this lifestyle is freaking me out. 

I would like to sort some things out. Clean the mess up.

And im gonna do my best, as always, to get the job done.

First of all, there's a huge closet that needs to be taken care of. Clothes to throw out, to make place for the new ones. 

Then, i have my room - which just needs rehab. Looks like the 3rd world war in here. And it sucks to be the one responsible to it. 

After that, ill try to do most of my homework (that should have been done weeks ago), get myself a relaxing bath with spa- treatments and some cold champagne. 

Last but not least, ill be dealing with some people in my life, who shouldnt be there. How horrible it might sound, a real friend - is no one who doesnt care. And too many out of the people from my phone list, matches up with that. And im not okay with it anymore. They're fired. 

Now, im gonna get a good night sleep so that i can wake up, fresh free and fly tomorrow - ready to kick ass. 

It sucks to have secrets. I mean, sometimes, it makes you feel very special - like your the chosen one when somebody tells you a secret. But keeping one and having one are two different things.

Yesterday was mine and my boyfriends one month thingy. And he's just a cutie! Food, candles and a bracelet on the menu. I love having a boyfriend. I mean, just as much as i miss being single, i dont regret being in a relationship. Because theres someone, you share evrything with. Who have  seen you at your worst and your best. Who admires you, loves you and who you can hold on to. Theres always a shoulder to cry on and a laugh to share. 

Being someones someone, is the greatest gift of all.

Truth cant be told. 

But that doesnt mean i dont need somebody to talk to. 

Feelings cant be showed. 

But that doesnt mean i dont need a hug.

Looking through the shell, 

only a few can. 

And only a few of the few, 

wants to see what there is to be seen.

So far, so good.

Its been almost a week, and im feeling alright. Im proud of me, but there's also my boyfriend to thank - without him, i dont know.

Speaking of my boyfriend, im getting scared again. It goes up, and it goes down. The relationship is doing good - but my nerves are not. Every time i leave his side, i cant help but thinking its the last time i see his face. I cant help but worry about everything and anything. 

But i guess, its time for me to take control of my feelings, and convince myself, that we'll find our way back to each other. Its just hard, after a broken heart just getting healed. Because sadly, i know that a heart once broken, can never really become the same, and a broken heart will always have a hard time trusting again - and when a broken heart finally grows strong again, its only to break again.

Love is great, and no drug makes you feel the way love does. But when it comes down to it, it hurts like a bitch, when it leaves your side and the question is, is it worth it...

With Dan, i believe it is. I hope, i'll never regret taking your hand that night. And i hope, the day our paths no longer go down the same road - our goodbye, will be a good one. 

And it wasn't even my choice

I think its too late. 

But then, its never too late.

Even though, ive already crossed the line.

But how to resist, 

when brain and body screams after more?

How to make a no-sound,

seems impossible.

Im scared,

but im relieved at the same time.

Oh, bad, so bad.

And now, for the first time in my life,

i need to be strong,

really strong.

We're talking live, or die.

the story continues

Friday night goes along with bye bye IN. Even though, im not sure, how long it will take before i get abstinence from not going there. Because trust me, it has happened before - and after friday, the chances of me getting it are even greater. This time, its not because we had a blast, this time, we're talking real stuff, hard core things, i could only dream about. We're talking fucked up people, spending their shit, on girls like me - hoping to get some.

Surprise. I might have been the only girl in my group, but i do have a boyfriend, and my boyfriend does have friends, who are my friends and who took care of me before it was too late.

So next time, have it yourself instead, me - your not getting near. 

Not when im around my bad boys.

Theres never any good, in goodbye.

Today its time to say goodbye. Goodbye to all the good times, at my favorite place, the club which will always have a place in my heart and my memory. I remember the first time i was there. Nervous, scared shitless, because a seventeen year old girl is not supposed to get in. My hand was shaking, holding tight to the id, that didnt belong to me - praying and hoping, they wouldnt notice. 

Or how about that night, me and ida played around for hours - coming home with 6 new numbers in my cell-phone, one belonging to the heartbreaker. The one guy, i couldnt forget - the one i was hoping to find every weekend for almost a year. 

I remember throwing up in the smoking area, falling down the stairs, down to the dance floor. I remember flirting with the bartender, getting drinks for free. Being the first one on the floor, shaking my ass together with my best friend - having the whole place watching. 

I have done so many things in there, and we're talking memories, that will fallow me under ground the day i die. 

But its time to say goodbye. Its getting dangerous. And i better pull myself out before i get dragged in.  

I just won't take it anymore.

Thank you (myself) for working so freaking hard through out Christmas and New Years. This paycheck, was needed. Very satisfied with the amount, i'll be partying it up all night long tomorrow. Im worth it. 

But things are not only pink and fluffy in my world - there's some big problems catching up on me, which i just cant ignore anymore. Problems like real ones, grown up ones - the problems i was hoping i'd never have to deal with. But which, i have to deal with. Because, unfortunately, they won't go away by themselves - like many other things. 

It breaks my heart, it hurts inside - it kills the last happy drugs in my brain.

And there's only one way out.

Fight, and never give up on what you believe in. 

But remember, im fighting out of love and nothing else. Im trying to do a good thing here people, im trying to save a life. 

Oh, it's all about the stripe.

Its when thoughts becomes reality. The difference between a cross and a stripe is just another stripe. One stripe that could change everything. Your whole world could be twisted around, turned upside down and your life, may never be the same. Just one single stripe away.

Its scary, the future, my life, and what will happen. What to do, when nothing seems right anymore, and you just cant figure out what comes next? I dont want to end up at that stage of life. I want to have it all under control. Thats simply why, im freaking out about the stripe. 

And can you really trust the stripe? It wouldnt be a pleasant surprise if it showed up in the wrong place, one less. It would be bad, very bad. Because when your trusting the stripe, its too late when you've realized it was nothing to trust. 

But hopefully, God will be watching over me and the stripe - making sure the result is trustable.

And we all know how it goes.

And im ready to get down tonight. I'll drink till my head falls off, my feet becomes numb and the world spins round and round. Then, ill throw up, come back to reality and regret everything done tonight. 

The story of my life.

 

Even though, tonight will probably not get out of hand since its a private party, with a maximum number of visitors and only so much to drink. So no worries friends, ill get out of it alive. And so will my boyfriend, because tonight baby - i wont tolerate just anything. In particular, no bullshit crap that fucks you up. 

Time to go, run away and escape.

Have a nice saturday night everyone,

and party it up for me if you're going out.

I need it. 

If i had one wish,

i'd wish for supernatural powers.

I'd try to make you understand,

how it feels like watching you,

putting your life at risk.

I'd make you see the potential,

that i see in you,

and make you realize,

what a great one you are.

I'd take away the pain,

i'd make it better,

i'd save you.

If i had one wish,

i would wish,

that i could make you stop.

And be your saving angel.

So tonight,

I'll make a wish,

for you.

When there's no words, there's music.

" An empty street 
An empty house 
A hole inside my heart 
I'm all alone 
The rooms are getting smaller 
I wonder how 
I wonder why 
I wonder where they are 
The days we had 
The songs we sang together 
Oh yeah 
And all my love 
We're holding on forever 
Reaching for the love that seems so far 

So I say it in a breath 
Hope my dreams will take me there 
Where the skies are blue 
To see you once again my love 
All the seas go coast to coast 
Find the place I love the most 
Where the fields are green 
To see you once again my love "

Liar, liar - pants on fire ?

I bet, more than 95% of my class thinks i skipped school today to be home with my baby. Well, surprise, i did not.

Waking up too many times during the night, from pain, led me to the doctor in the morning. Yes, im actually sick and im now, once again on medication. I think its time for me to consider eating more tomatoes. The only problem is that i hate tomatoes. 

Other ways to increase my body's self-defense? There sure is.

And i cant think of a better one, than bed-exercises. Especially, when the instructor is nothing but the best. 

I really fell for the right one. 

Congrats. 

Has never happened before. 

Thousands of things that needs to be done. Done before midnight, before bedtime - before the sun rises in the morning.

But what am i doing?! 

Well, everything but those things. 

I simply cant concentrate. Im hyper yet im tired. Im hot, but im freezing. Hungry, but i cant eat. I need a ride, taking me far away to the arms of love. Making me forget.

I miss you.

Things no one should know

After one and a half year, visiting IN almost every weekend i have not until now, seen the dark side of my paradise. Ive heard rumors, ive had my doubts, but i never thought it was that close to me - and i never had a clue of what i was about to see. 

The bass has never been louder, 

the feet have never moved faster. 

The beat has never felt stronger, 

neither has a kiss made a human being fly.

And the music suddenly makes sense.

10/1 - 09

A day to never forget. 

The single girl, the party queen, the one and only Hollywood tramp-stamp has now officially a boyfriend. 

I must say, its hard to believe. Not because i dont want a boyfriend - because i do, but its just that im so used to always doing what i want whenever i want to. I dont know where this road will lead us, all i know is, im walking it with that special Someone. 

And i feel proud, to have that honor, to be his girl - to hold his hand and to be the one waiting for him to come home. 

Dan <3

The best 24 hours spend this year, right Dan?

I can proudly say, that these 24-hours, has been the best hours of this year - i might even be able to say, that this day has been better than all days last year as well. Keep in mind though, last there was the worst year. I cant even count, how many times i had to go to the doctor because of sickness, or how many times ive just spend in my bed thinking - fuck what a life i have. 

But this one, i know ive said it before, but seriously, this year has the best start and i can only hope for it to continue. 

Last night, after work, i met up with Dan. Seeing him, standing there by the Metro, knowing hes waiting for me was a sight ill never forget. Taking the train, having him coming here, was the best idea ever - even though, before i was doubtful about it. But the best thing was, having him here, right next to me, in my bed. Falling a sleep in his arms, getting that goodnight kiss and the good morning hug. He has showed me, a personality only one guy has done before. And how he makes me feel, well, theres no one who can beat that. 

I miss him, every second im not with him. I wish life was more simple, and i could just move to his place and stay there, forever and always. Its a lot of strong words, and sayings, i know. And it might sound completely like ive lost my mind. But the only thing ive lost is my heart.

We're talking real stuff here, we're talking love.

Dan, Im officially in love with you.

Monday @ Slagthuset, Malmö

Since i live in Malmö, many seems to assume that i love Slagthuset, and not so many seem to understand why i go to Copenhagen instead of Slagt. Now Ill tell you why,

Slagt is a place for stupid, mean and ugly Swedish people. A place where dancing is nothing, and drinking is everything. Its a place where no one cares about anyone but themselves, and meeting new people? Hah! No, even if there might be someone there that you've never seen before, i guarantee that person doesnt want to talk to you. And if they, against all odds walks up to you, its because you have a nice ass and they wanna get laid. Theres always too many people everywhere, so you basically have to stand at the same spot all night, it reeks, its hot and its expensive. 

Slagthuset is nothing to me. 

Copenhagen is the place to be.

Its not that i regret last night, because the people i was with were all really nice. And we had fun, together. Its just the atmosphere of Slagthuset, and just any club here in Malmö that im allergic against. I dont belong here. 

I belong,

across the ocean,

over the bridge,

where the lights are on all night long,

and where the smile never goes away,

i belong,

in the country of Denmark.

And im sure, 

there was a mistake when i was born,

because i might have Sweden in my blood,

but our neighbor is in my heart.

Always <3

Just another orgasm in my ears.

Have you ever felt, this strange, kind of "im in love" thing, from listening to a specific kind of music? Well, theres just a few songs that can make me feel that way, but last weekend, i found a couple more. This time, were not talking american gangsta style, we're not talking country music and not punkrock. We're talking Danish bad ass rap, with lots of good beats and booms and a bass that makes anything shake. 

So cheers to Denmark, that makes me feel this way.

Summer of 09.

Oh how I wish it was summer. Not only because its warm and nice out, and that you can go to the beach, wear nothing and be tan - no this summer is going to be so much more special than that.

June 2nd: Graduation.
-Ill be running out from the big doors at Malmö Latinskola, in my white dress with my best friends.

June 6th: Tiesto concert in CPH.
-If you saw me rocking at sensation, hah! Just wait until you see me rocking this place.

Sometime after that: A warm place for 2 weeks.
-At this point, ill be getting tan in a warm and nice country with my very best friend, enjoying life.

July 14th: Char visits Sweden.
-I cant wait until my FAVORITE american comes to visit me. We'll be getting down and dirty and ill show her, how we, scandinavians do it.

July 23rd: My Birthday!
-I turn 19 this year and it will be celebrated, Even though, 19 is no big deal, nothing happens, its still a reason to PAAARTY.

And sometime, after all this, ill get serious again. Start working full-time, or maybe study. Maybe ill be moving out, to my own place.

I dont know.

All i know is, this is a summer, that will rock my world.

Ive been here before, the path ive never past

Why do i always seem to end here. Right here, right before kickoff. Right before the Go. Ive done it too many times. And the only times i havent done it, has been when i know -ill be leaving later.

This might sound weird to anyone who hasnt been my friend for more than 3 years, but all im saying is that i cant handle it. The relationship thing. I cant do it.
Im scared. And i cant stop thinking about not having my freedom, freedom of doing what i want whenever i want.

God.

I need to pull myself together.
Puah..

All i want is to be happy, i just dont know how to do it anymore.

A turn, around the weekend

Surprise! Im still alive. Imstill doing my thing, just in another part of this world.
Its weekend, and what do we do during the weekends?
We hit the floor, we break it down and we drink it up.
But this weekend, is different. I wont be tearing it up, ill be chillin right here, in the arms of my baby.

And how long havent i been waiting to be able to say that?
Too long.
But tonight, the wait is over.
Im loving,
and im getting love back.

Karma baby, karma.

One day later.

Another year has now past, and a new one has now started. For most of us, it means new-years promises (we'll never keep) and better ways of living (we'll never do). For once, i did not promise anything. This year will just be another path in my life, and im sure, it will take me to roads ive never seen before - already starting at 05.00 yesterday.

New years eve, the dream of the perfect night everyone is talking about. Ive never understood, until now. I guess, there is a happy ending after all. ANd the new years kiss? The one kiss, every girl wants but only a few gets. I was one of them, looks like my bad luck is about to do a u-turn.

"I want more. Its a desire, its an addiction, its what i live for. Just give me more. And i cant see a more perfect way to die, than from true love. Kill me."